It is so hard for me to articulate this post, I actually had to record myself explaining it and try to scribe it from that. This is the best I could do;
I feel like I haven't been entirely honest with this blog.
There is a thing that has come to exist through the world of blogging, instagram, facebook.
Life envy. People are taking photos & snippets of the best parts of their lives, and presenting them online in this neat little package for us to all marvel over. I actually don't think there is anything wrong with this. I actually think it is important in helping us to focus on the best aspects of our lives, to capture memories, to be able to look back and think, wow, my life has been amazing so far.
I think the problem comes from us looking at our own lives, the behind the scenes parts: doing the dishes, being in our pajamas until midday, having a mountain of washing to fold.
And then we read blogs, and we compare our behind the scenes, with other peoples highlight real.
We have had a hard couple of weeks. Not consistently like every single hours is hard, but just quite a few things have been popping up that are pretty tricky to deal with.
I don't think I have purposely been avoiding writing about these things so that my life appears to be better than it is. I think it can just be difficult to find words to explain these more complex issues. And how to explain it without seeming like I'm constantly complaining ? Do i really want to expose such personal issues ?
I'm writing this post almost a week late, but on this day, day 91, I had my worst day to date.
I cried twice, and I usually never cry. Chris had to come home from work and help me. Plummy didn't sleep for 16 hours in a row & I got so stressed and beside myself I felt completely helpless.
I thought about one of my favourite blogs theroadishome. I love this blog because I feel I can relate to it. Nirrimi had her daughter Alba when she was 19, she had a hypnobirth/water home birth. She is a photographer, & they focus on eating raw/vegan foods directly from their garden. It's everything I love/do/dream. But on this day, her romantic dreamy life made me feel completely alone (& to be honest kind of worthless). It seems like she has never as a mother experienced how I felt on that day.
But when I really started to think about it, if you read my 100 days project, it wouldn't really look like I had, either.
I have a lot of friends who have little bebs and a few friends who are about to pop any day. I realised that it wasn't fair to them, to only see my highlight reel.
I want people to read about Willow's life, and our life, and feel positive about it, but also to know that it's okay when you have the day from hell and you can't manage to get your baby to sleep and your hair is crazy.
It is a really, really beautiful experience to be a parent, but there are hard days.
So. Here are some truths.
Willow started waking through the night.
We have been using disposable nappies a LOT.
About a month ago a couple I had met at the Hypnobirthing classes had their baby. They had trouble establishing a milk supply, and so they sent an email out desperately calling for milk donors.
I really enjoyed donoring and helping them out, hearing about little Luka regaining his strength and health. We kept it up for about three weeks & now Fiona seems to have established a pretty decent supply.
The downsides of donoring; spending three days straight expressing milk to build my milk supply. Including waking in the night to pump milk. Plugged milk ducts. Hyperlactation. Split nipples. Breast engorgement. Sterilising equipment CONSTANTLY. One night I put all the breast pump equipment in a pot to boil and then went to sleep (overtired). Woke up the next morning to find it boiled down to black plastic syrup. My house smelt like fumes, my favourite expensive pot was ruined, and we spent $90 replacing the equipment.
I hope this has been enlightening.
Here is a reminder of how cute Plummy is.